Allotment Notebook 7. Hedgehogs & Magpies

uncensored extracts from Greg Becker's allotment diary

Translation:

The Distressing Tale of Magpies (Magpie Behaviour 1)

Magpie- "I wonder whats making all that noise"
Songbird Chicks- " Help!"
Songbirds- "its us" "its nothing" "nice day for a song" "oh God!" "its all over"

Magpies are the gestapo of the bird world
Its 'one for sorrow' because one is enough to raid a nest

Boys may find them dead in a field and carry them home in a prams*
no doubt they have been shot by the resistance 
au lait

*childhood memory

Allotment Notebook 6. Miniature Holy Grail

uncensored extracts from Greg Becker's allotment diary

Translation:

The inside of a tool box is not the usual place to find a miniature holy grail which turned out to be the beginnings of a wasps nest, containing about eight perfect hexagons surrounded by wafer thin shells circling round it forming a bowl or cup shape attached at its base to the vertical side of the box. (hell that was a long sentence!) 

A single wasp was buzzing around but unlike a bee did not attack me when I tried to remove the nest. The tool box is also the home of my collection of stray golf balls and the similarity of size and close positioning of the nest to them struck me as surreal.

I removed the embryo nest, placed it inside a small flower pot and took it home. On being told it was a wasps nest my daughters somehow thought it might sting them and backed off. Although they were much more likely to harm it than it them. The slightest pressure causes its delicate tissue walls to crumble.

So I placed it on the mantel piece next to a photograph of my youngest daughter dressed as a fairy.  

Allotment Notebook 5. Hat Survey

uncensored extracts from Greg Becker's allotment diary

Translation:

Allotment Hat Survey (in the style of Van Gogh)
not suitable too Lautrec 
again not suitable too Gauguin
shape of the universe hat (scaled down)
UFO crow scaring hat
1st choice special hat for observing Van Gogh like clouds  

Allotment Notebook 4. Saint Vincent

uncensored extracts from Greg Becker's allotment diary

Translation:

Vincent (Van Gogh) is the patron saint of allotments
gardeners wear straw hat halos as a sign of their devotion
there are so many other signs of his presence
gnarled vegetables
old boots
texture and spikiness of the cropped land
old clothes and hard work
the dying sunflowers sing a devotional hymn to his memory

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT!

wednesday 30th Jan. at 7.00 pm on the hort channel Sean James Cameron will review Plot 52's 

An Illustrated Allotment Alphabet

Allotment Notebook 3. Fox Behaviour

uncensored extracts from Greg Becker's allotment diary

Translation:

foxes flit in and out of existence like virtual particles/ghost particles
they stop and stare not belonging to this world
they squat in paths, make you think they're tame and then vanish and
consider old carpet a luxury
foot prints record their crimes and other misdemeanours 
they know the secret pathways to invisibility     

Allotment Notebook 2. Robins & A Quick P

uncensored extracts from Greg Becker's allotment diary

Translation: 

snow on bags
blue shadow of snowy morning

some days nothing happens other than a succession of birds appearing as if waiting in the wings 
queueing for their cue

I saw various unidentified flocks of birds fluttering on and off stage
but the robins stole the show

on cold days robins will spontaneously appear where ever there is a human gardener 
and find a perch free of snow 
nothing escapes their attention 

as there was nobody about I took a quick pee into the compost - relieved not to have to hide in a corner
away from other gardeners or passing golfers
but within seconds of me walking away a robin was investigating the area of melted snow left behind 

Allotment Notebook 1. Crow Behaviour

uncensored extracts from Greg Becker's allotment diary

Translation:

crow behaviour
on the boarders of the realm of crows
enter the crow empire at your peril

mobbing
flocking
cropping
shocking

from the black arrows there is no escape
mobbing hawks is common practice
the patrols are out or lying in wait

crows are always drawn to wigwams 
(observations on the crow empire)
they are undeterred by most other residence and even away
from the crow realm show great courage and assertiveness

crow behaviour 2 - distribution
crows gather randomly on open ground
but are never seen in circles
or squares
or dicky bows    

Signs of Winter